The Picky Perspective - Main Street Pizza & Noodle

In our post all about the glamor of doing Sundance Morningstar-style, we mentioned that we refueled on pizza (the most glamorous of foods... at least the most glamorous food that all of us will eat). Some (terrifyingly) astute readers noticed that we dared to mention pizza without reviewing it.

Fear not, gentle reader!

Our boys are currently enrolled Food Blogging as a middle school elective. No, I am not making this up. Did I mention that our kids' school tends toward "alternative"? Anyway, for Sam's first assignment he reviewed Main Street Pizza and Noodle.

Head on over to his blog at the aptly named http://thepickyperspective.blogspot.com, give it a read, learn a little about Park City pizza from the thirteen-year-old perspective, and leave him a comment.

Picky Pizza Posters - Papa Johns

The ultimate quest for the worst pizza experience in Utah Valley

 

Papa Johns at Ben's 11th birthday party

Ah, Papa Johns Pizza. Mere blocks from our house, more palatable than Little Caesars, but still reasonably priced, Papa Johns has been the staple of many a Morningstar birthday party and last-minute meal. Gourmet fare it is not, but when you need a quick meal in 15 minutes, it fits the bill.

Love for Papa Johns runs so deep in Morningstar history that we even "enjoyed" it in China when the kids needed a break from the local cuisine. So you might say that we are worldwide Papa Johns Pizza connoisseurs. Or you might say we have exceedingly unrefined palates. Or maybe those aren't exclusive options.

In our continued attempt to catalog all mediocre-to-terrible pizza in Utah Valley, a few weeks ago we ordered ourselves some Papa Johns and Sasha grabbed the keyboard and started recording our responses. Here are the adorable results.

Picky Pizza Posters - Papa Johns Pizza

By Sasha

sam: siad sase at the tips

wanying said litle spese

dad said slitle swet

mom: puffy crust buble crust to

mom: but you cant bet the locashon

sasha: verry good

ben: verry cesy

pric for a larg ces pizza 

12 dolers

wanying: the dezrts pizza is verry good

saha: the pizza is verry chcolatey

mom askt sam if he wants a nother slise of pizza and he said no 4 is anof

Rating

By default, Papa Johns gets a 3 slice rating - Cheap enough and edible enough for my kid’s birthday party.

And, yes, Sam still believes this is the second best pizza in the world, right after Dad's homemade pizza.

Picky Pizza Posters - Malawis

The ultimate quest for the worst pizza experience in Utah Valley

Malawi’s Pizza: Pizza with a Purpose

Gotta love a pizza place that simultaneously soothes your appetite and your conscience.

Says the wall, "For every meal you buy, we donate a nutritious meal to a child in Malawi, Africa." and another sign boasted that 393,428 nutritious meals were delivered in Africa from this restaurant. Pretty cool!

Ambiance

Africa themed decor. Elephants, giraffes, wood grain tables, Banyan tree, tribal masks. Lots of stone-work around the oven.

Nice big booths to fit nice big Utah families!

Price for a Large Cheese

$9.95 for a six-slice pizza.

Beverages

Coke fountain products, really good root beer in bottles, and pebbled ice! Yes!

Pizza Impressions

Thin crust with satisfying cracker like crunch. Moderate crust bubbles. Sweet sauce. Amazing tasting cheese. Small parsley pieces did not cause any shouts of “Green stuff!?!”

Italian-style pizza at an African-style restaurant - how often do you get to say that?

We sprung for chocolate-chocolate dessert pizza, too. Figured we deserved it after Subway. Uggghhh... Subway...

Ben: I love this dessert pizza!
Sam: Wow, that’s pretty sweet. It’s like all sugar.
Ben: (hyperactivity bouncing) Yeah! I know!

Rating

4/6 slices

Good, but not great, and pretty expensive. Our family's bill for pizza, drinks, and dessert topped $70. Ouch.

As a reminder, here's our rating scale:

0 slices - I would not eat this at any price
1 slices - It’s not good but at least its pizza
2 slices - I would consider coming back if every other pizza place was closed
3 slices - Cheap enough and edible enough for my kid’s birthday party
4 slices - I’ll come back, but Dad is buying
5 slices - Somewhere between 4 and 6
6 slices - Stuffing some in my pockets to eat later

Picky Pizza Posters - Subway

The ultimate quest for the worst pizza experience in Utah Valley

Subway has long been known as the sandwich shop that can be found almost everywhere in the world.  Subway is, in fact, the largest global single-brand restaurant chain, and for good reason - their mediocre-quality but ubiquitous cold cut, Italian, meatball, and chicken teriyaki sub sandwiches are sold in over 40,000 locations in 108 countries. We had Subway meatball subs in China - the Coke tasted different, but the sub tasted just as... um... good(?) as a Subway meatball sub in the U.S.

And, of course, when we were alerted to the newest addition to the Subway flavor arsenal, the Flatizza, we knew we just had to try it to inform and entertain you, the beloved readers of what may be the most popular bad pizza blog in Utah Valley.

Ambiance

Plenty of seating in wooden booths. Modern pop hits playing through clearly blown out boomy sounding speakers. Masking tape cleverly used to secure peeling wallpaper to baseboard. Tres classy faux-Mediterranean decor.

Price for a large cheese

2 Flatizzas for $6

And I kid you not, the rookie employee taking our order asked if we wanted a six inch or footlong pizza. Our awkward silence didn’t even clue him in that there was no such thing as a footlong pizza. Actually, we weren’t even sure that wasn’t the proper way to refer to this creation’s sizing.

Sam: Box says cheesy and delicious meets crispy and square. Yeah, we’ll just see about that.

Beverages

Fountain drinks were, well, the same fountain drinks available everywhere. Subway does boast brewed sweet tea, however, which was quite tasty.

The girls were huge fans of the Subway "side dishes." Sasha was able to get a whole cup of pickles to compliment her Doritos. We do like to go classy when we go out for a meal. 

Pizza impressions

Square pizza, square slices. Sauce overpowering, clearly not meant to be pizza sauce, pretty sure it’s just the marinara they use for meatball subs. Cancel that, completely sure it's the marinara they use for meatball subs.

It vaguely resembles bagel pizza, but a bad one. Pre-made "flatbread" crust is doughy, soggy, chewy, and slightly crispy at edges. Might be real cheese, but not likely.

Admittedly, the Flatizza is great work from the Subway marketing department since this dish only qualifies as a distant, misspelled cousin of pizza.

Ben: I’m having bad Denny’s flash backs. (Cue dramatic flailing and moaning a la Vietnam flashback memory)

Sasha: I like how the pizza is square like St. Louis-style and the cheese is really cheesy. (Note - comparisons to St. Louis-style pizza, even by Sasha who meant it as a compliment, should indicate the base disgustingness of this dish)

Dad: Why did I even take a second bite? You think I’d have learned from the first one to stay away.

Sam: Does anyone want the last two slices of ours?
Mom and Dad (in unison): NO!

Really bad. Just awful. Don’t do it. Your life is much better having never tried a Flatizza. Take it from us, not worth it. Even with a two for one coupon. Or for free even. Avoid.

Rating

0/6 slices

As a reminder, 0 slices means "I would not eat this at any price." That's right, folks, we have awarded our first 0-slice rating. We may have found the worst-tasting pizza in Utah Valley!

Subway, just because your restaurant already has bread, sauce, and cheese on location does not mean you should make pizza a natural addition to your repertoire. It is a crime against good taste.

Mom: We all deserve dessert at Menchie's after this. (Menchie's is our favorite froyo joint)
Ben: Good, I need to get this taste out of my mouth.

Picky Pizza Posters - Domino's

The ultimate quest for the worst pizza experience in Utah Valley

My last encounter with Domino’s Pizza (second largest pizza chain in the U.S.) was in the era of the Noid and 30-minutes-or-less guarantee. Candidly, I felt no loss from my 15-year Domino’s hiatus. But I recently heard that Domino’s was going through a bit of a pizza renaissance and knew it was time to experience Domino’s through the eyes of the picky pizza posters.

So, last week we ordered ourselves some Domino’s and are happy to report that Domino’s still ranks among the worst pizza money can buy.

Ambiance

High tech. Computer monitor order board shows my name and gives an expected wait time until pizza is ready. There’s even a quality check to be sure our pie passes Domino’s stringent standards for excellence. Dining area has a whole three chairs. Alas, no bathrooms in the "restaurant".

Price for a large cheese

$12.99 ($7.99 with online coupon)

Beverages

Best selection in the house! Oh, wait, we were in our house. Free refills! Kinda.

Pizza Impressions

Fluffy soft cheese. The crust was equally soft - the boys remarked that it was like the pizza made from a cloud. It really was strangely unsubstantial. Did I even eat pizza? Maybe, maybe not.

Dad: Is the sauce robust like the box says?
Ben: I can’t even taste the sauce.
Dad: I guess not.

Ben: The flavor is good but the texture is weird.
WanYing: I don’t even know what that word means! Texture?

And that was the whole point. There was no texture. Eww.

Rating

2/6 slices

As a reminder, here's our rating system:
0 slices - I would not eat this at any price
1 slices - It’s not good but at least its pizza
2 slices - I would consider coming back if every other pizza place was closed
3 slices - Cheap enough and edible enough for my kid’s birthday party
4 slices - I’ll come back, but Dad is buying
5 slices - Somewhere between 4 and 6
6 slices - Stuffing some in my pockets to eat later

Maybe we’ll wait another 15 years and try it again.

Picky Pizza Posters - Talayna's Pizza of St. Louis

The ultimate quest for the worst pizza experience in Utah Valley the Northern Hemisphere

A diversity exercise in regional pizza types

For this special edition of picky pizza posters, we write to you from the great mid-west city of St. Louis, Missouri - Gateway to the West. We traveled to St. Louis for Jamie’s cousin, Teddy's, Halloween wedding and figured that if we were carting 6 people out to a new city we should make it a proper vacation and experience all that St. Louis has to offer!

Mmm... processed cheese food product

While exploring this lovely city, we’ve discovered that there is a local variety of pizza that can only be found here in St. Louis. Creatively named St. Louis-style pizza, its trademark qualities are tavern cut slices (squares), cracker thin crust made without yeast, sweeter than usual tomato sauce, and a special type of cheese called Provel which is described as a mixture of provolone and Velveeta. I know what you're thinking - with a description so appetizing, it's strange that St. Louis pizza hasn't become the US-dominant style! You'll also be shocked to know that Provel cheese is not distributed outside of the greater-St. Louis area. Weird.

But such is our commitment to Picky Pizza Posters, possibly the best-read bad pizza blog in Utah Valley, that we pushed through the terrifying Wikipedia descriptions of and our cousins' warnings against St. Louis-style pizza and actually consumed said pizza. And we lived to tell the tale because, really, once you've eaten a "fresh baked pizza" under the gas pumps of your local 7-Eleven, you can survive pretty much any pizza.

As not-good as St. Louis-style pizza is, we have to admit that its St. Louis-style appetizer cousin, toasted ravioli, is awesome

Ambiance

The large party of middle school soccer players at the center makes it noisy. The walls are decorated with random posters highlighting Italian regions that I’ve never heard of. Probably time to visit Italy again.

We sit at formica tables, in pleather booths. Both hallmarks of a good pizza restaurant.

Football playing on the TV. Apparently some team named "the Rams" is popular here. Never heard of them.

Beverages

Mostly domestic beers by the bottle. I have 2 beers in front of me - how does this happen? Missouri is a wonderland! Yesterday I got wine with lunch at the botanical garden and was allowed to walk around the gardens with it. I have no words to express how shocking and liberating it was to walk around in public with alcohol I didn't have to pour into an empty root beer bottle.  Ha ha just kidding. Gatorade bottles work better, they have wider mouths.

The Sierra Mist is really good (St. Louis seems to be a Pepsi town. Fortunately during a winter trip to Snowbird this year (a Pepsi resort), we convinced the girls that Sierra Mist is "fancy Sprite" so they're enthusiastic Pepsi fans now. Ben has developed quite the love for Fitz's root beer, so we're all doing fine in the soft drink department)

Service

The waiter runs with overeager enthusiasm - there is a large sports team party here and he is clearly flustered.

Soda glasses remain full, yet our group could always use one more basket of bread (this is normal, our bread bellies never fill). Real butter pats are a big plus - God bless the heartland

Price of one large cheese 

$16

Pizza impressions

Such adorable little pieces!

(St. Louis-style) Paper-thin crust. Crackers are thicker. It's so St. Louisy you can almost taste the arch in it. The cheese mixture different, but not off-putting; it has a slight butter taste and smooth texture. Very crunchy crust with many crustless pieces, much like toddler PBJ sandwiches.

WanYing : This cheese is weird!

A comparison of St. Louis, NY, and Chicago slices

Sasha: Yum! Cheesy!

To add to our experience chart, we also ordered a Chicago-style pizza. Since this is as close we’ve ever been to Illinois, we figured this is the best place to get a feel for what good Chicago pie is like.

(Chicago-style) Crust is not doughy crust but cakey - almost biscuit like. The cheese under the sauce. I repeat, the cheese is under the sauce.

Sam: Tomatoes everywhere? This thing is backwards. [Sam wouldn't touch this abomination of pizza with a 10-foot pole]

Dad: This puts the pie in pizza pie.

Rating

Given that our St. Louis pizza experience was an exercise in pizza style diversity and horizon-broadening, we have decided not to rate our meal at Talayana's Pizza of St. Louis. Suffice it to say our meal was full of laughs and happy bellies and we would not voluntarily consume St. Louis-style pizza again.

Picky Pizza Posters - SLAB

The ultimate quest for the worst pizza experience in Utah Valley

SLAB is designed for large groups of people who can’t agree on their pizza toppings. Cheese? Chicken cordon bleu? Pulled pork? At SLAB, everyone in your picky group can be appeased. Pizzas come in only one size, twenty inches. But you order your pizza by the quarter slab. Meaning an enormous pizza is created on-demand for your party, but you only get a quarter of it. Perfect for the college crowd it is catering to and located so close to BYU that you need to sign the honor code just to get in.

Ambiance

Large tables with seating for 8 in cheapish chairs, very convenient for large groups of college kids, which also works well for largish families. Everything designed for easy cleanup, which is also appropriate for college kids and our family. Copious amounts of napkins in dispenser, good for those with children who spill large drinks (sigh. we speak from experience). Maybe the restaurant should be renamed Slob?

This is the first place we’ve brought in a nice DSLR camera and felt like we blended in. Very “hip” here.

Large TV showing some baseball game. Boooring. But admittedly entertaining to hear Sam analyze the game, since his full understanding of baseball is founded on 2 seasons of t-ball.

 

Price for a large cheese

$18 (4 20” slabs equal one pizza)

 

Beverages

Bucking the trend of unlimited refills, the fountain drink machine clearly stated only ONE refill allowed for free. We assume this is in reaction to college kids who will keep drinking any free non-caffeinated, non-alcoholic beverage as long as it lasts. But they have Apple Beer so who can blame them for restricting it.

Pizza Impressions

Large slab served on wax paper. No plates. Apparently we and SLAB share a "pizza on fine china" philosophy.

Mildly greasy. Crispy crust. Thin and similar to a cracker, but soft at the end. Sauce is just enough to be there but not overwhelm the cheese. Mild flavor bleed over from one pizza slab to the next, which was quite a problem for the pickiest of the crew.

Rating

5/6 Slices

Flavor bleed-over is a plus or a minus depending on your point of view. We were heartily divided as to whether the flavor mingling was a good thing.

Picky Pizza Posters - Costco

The ultimate quest for the worst pizza experience in Utah Valley

By Sam and Steve

If you like purchasing obscene quantities of paper towels, frozen egg rolls, or granola bars for a mediocre price savings, then Costco is for you. For those elite few who get to call themselves Costco members, there is a special dining area that serves pizza alongside with other culinary masterpieces such as pulled pork sandwiches, jumbo hot dogs, and a Hot Pocket-like creation called a chicken bake.

I really like this description I found of Costco on Imgur: If zombies ever attack just go to Costco… they have concrete walls… years of foods and supplies… and best of all the zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership card.

Ambiance

A warehouse. We’re sitting at a group of a dozen tables, in a warehouse. There are jaunty table umbrellas - why are there umbrellas inside? We're always transfixed by the onion dispensers. Ambiance is topped off by all the smart TVs in the nearby electronics area to Bluetooth pair with :).

It's very noisy. Shouting is best way to communicate, so our children feel right at home. Fluorescently bright lighting. Great place to get bedroom furniture, Halloween costumes, large electronics, and yogurt to accompany your pizza.

Sam: Is it wise for them to leave the smart TV’s Bluetooth on? Wonder if they’re passworded? Only one way to find out…

Price for a large cheese

$10 pizza + $55 membership = $65 total. Most expensive yet.

Beverages

Limited to pepsi fountain drinks, a case of 2 gallons of milk or 2 gallons of prune juice.

Service

Checkout for pizza took forever; the line probably was moving backwards. Every table was already messy and sticky so there is no guilt in the children making it messier or stickier.

Ben: NO Samplers? Where are my hors d'oeuvres? And why do I always need to be with an adult to get them? How is that fair?

Pizza Impressions

Cheesetastic! Best cheese taste yet, though it tends to fall off all at once in one large cheese hunk. Very floppy soft crust with a touch of crunch. It's best folded in half for consumption. This is probably largest “large” yet (as befits a wholesale retailer). Great cheese hunks left on box to consume later.

WanYing: Awesome! (singing) Everything is awesome! (Lego movie was playing on flat screen tv display)

Sasha: I love it when the cheese falls off! Then I eat it up.

Rating

4/6 Slices

That was great. Lets get a palette of Oreos for dessert. Or maybe a hot tub or set of tires for the van.

Picky Pizza Posters - 7-Eleven

The ultimate quest for the worst pizza experience in Utah Valley 

The 24 hour convenience mart of edible Americana is where we went for our most recent pizza rating adventure. Long known for its hot dogs cooked on rollers and microwave burritos, the “Sevey” has branched recently into creative made-to-order offerings such as the “Loaded Doritos” and the pizza we sampled. We’ve been holding out a while on this dining experience to be sure our palettes were fully prepared to capture the culinary nuances this enduring establishment provided.

 

Ambiance

Aisles of candy and chips to choose from. Beer cooler. Beef jerky, cigarettes, and stale donuts. The concrete outside sitting area (sidewalk) was pleasantly free of cigarette butts. Mild gas fumes wafting from fuel pumps add to down-home feel of the food and urgent feeding vibe. Cold and ornery children add to the excitement of the dining area (parking lot).

Sam: If this place is open 24 hours a day, then why do they have locks on the doors?

 

Beverages

Selection was astounding, including sports drinks, soft drinks, juices, coffee, and beer (all bottled, none on tap). But despite a dizzying array of options we still opted for the signature Slurpees, all Coke flavored, of course, because the other ones are just gross.

Price of one large cheese

$5.50

Service

Unlike the 7-11 experiences of my youth the checkout guy was not of Indian descent, but he may have been Native American. Upon ordering, the clerk quickly grabbed a pizza from the cooler and popped it into the little micro oven they cook the pie in. "Fresh" pizza smells fill the establishment. At least, we'll pretend confidence that odor was from a pizza

Pizza Impressions

Was made to order (fresh!) and actually disappointingly edible. Doughy crust, soft with little to no crunch, mix of mozzarella and random yellow cheese on top. Leaned towards saucy with mild tomato tones, but enough cheese to be cheesy.

The longer it sits the worse it gets. Consume quickly or not at all. Horrifying appetizer of “Loaded Doritos” made pizza seem a whole lot better by comparison.

Feel dirty and unwholesome after finishing a slice, like no amount of crying in the fetal position in a running shower will wash away that internal grimy feel. 7-Eleven!? What was I thinking?

Rating

2/6 Slices

Cooking the pizza to order does make it taste better. We were really hoping for a zero-slice rating with this one, but the Sevey does manage to pull off a decent pie. If it was 3 a.m. and I really needed a pizza, I would pay for the experience again.

I'm not sure how the slices that were sitting there longer in the warming case would compare, but I’m not stupid or masochistic enough to eat one of those. Well, not without some serious dare money on the line.

As a reminder, here's our rating scale:

0 slices - I would not eat this at any price
1 slices - It’s not good but at least its pizza
2 slices - I would consider coming back if every other pizza place was closed
3 slices - Cheap enough and edible enough for my kid’s birthday party
4 slices - I’ll come back, but Dad is buying
5 slices - Somewhere between 4 and 6
6 slices - Stuffing some in my pockets to eat later

Picky Pizza Posters - Pizza Pie Cafe

The ultimate quest for the worst pizza experience in Utah Valley 

This week we branched out to the Pizza Pie Cafe, a pizza buffet.

Lots of value to be provided here if you like the concept of all-you-can-eat dining and need food right away. Pizza, pasta, and salad bar await you inside the former storefront of a Hollywood Video. Pizza styles ranging from humble pepperoni to "exotic" chicken alfredo.

Ambiance

Plenty of booths with room for six, small enclosed private booths good for small groups or couples in love who have given up trying to impress each other with their dining choices.

The wall was decorated with license plates and large decorative tin stars, hooks galore to hang coats or small children from, wood scroll-cut painted words. The words read from left to right: Family, Friends, Kitchen, Live, Love, Laugh, Gourmet. Yeah, we don't get it either.

Beverages

Pepsi fountain drinks, including fancy choices like apple beer and Mountain Dew Code Red. Beverages made super-cool by the addition of DIY crazy straw kits Mom brought home from her recent trip to Chicago.

Price for one large cheese

$35 for 6 of us.  That can be anywhere from one large to infinite large pizzas, but, alas, no leftovers.

Pizza Impressions

Spongy crust, adequate grease content, formerly white chromebook keys now a pale red from grease. No reason to eat the crust because a) it wasn't good and b) you can always go back for more pizza.

Sam: Nice and homely pizza. This is definitely “American pizza;” cheap and pretty tasty.

Dad: Ben, you can’t start with the Oreo pizza.
Ben: Dessert first!

Sam: Can’t get enough of these garlic knots! Pretty sure they put in cocaine to make them addictive.

WanYing: This is a buffet so this is really fancy. It’s fancy because they have stars all around and you can choose what you want. (Sundance’s brunch buffet may be effecting her ideas about buffets being fancy)

Mom: It’s not good, but there is a lot of it.

Rating

2/6

If you are looking for large quantities of mid-priced pizza ranging in quality from not that great to inedible, than this is the restaurant for you. It's bad; but it's still better than Denny's.

As a reminder, here's our rating scale:

0 slices - I would not eat this at any price
1 slices - It’s not good but at least its pizza
2 slices - I would consider coming back if every other pizza place was closed
3 slices - Cheap enough and edible enough for my kid’s birthday party
4 slices - I’ll come back, but Dad is buying
5 slices - Somewhere between 4 and 6
6 slices - Stuffing some in my pockets to eat later

Picky Pizza Posters - Chuck E Cheese

The ultimate quest for the worst pizza experience in Utah Valley

This week we decided to sample the finest mouse-supplied pizza in town. Chuck E Cheese built his empire of pizza wonderlands in the early 80’s during the arcade boomtimes (begun by the venerable classic, Pong). Pairing high-technology with mass produced low quality pizza, Chuck E Cheese has been a staple of children’s birthday parties for many years.

Until this week we had escaped the pizza-scourge that is Chuck E Cheese for about a decade. I'd say that visiting approximately every 10 years is plenty.

Price of a large cheese

$13 (not counting game tokens, ouch)

Quick order process made wallet vacuuming seem less painful, was hoping a costumed Chuck would deliver pizza to the table, but no such luck. He did make a meet and greet appearance for the birthday kids who were celebrating at the restaurant. It was simultaneously mesmerizing and mortifying.

Ambiance

Arcade games, play ground with habitrail tubes for kids, Animatronic animal rock band to entertain those too pooped to play arcade games. Arcade games to entertain those too smart to fall for animatronic animal band that hadn't been serviced or updated for dozens of years. Most animatronic animals had only one functional eyelid, enhancing their superb creepiness.

Pizza impressions

As good as we remember, which may account for the reason we haven’t been here in a decade. Stretchy tasty cheese-like topping. Crust is greasy premade slab, quite greasy, translucent napkin type. Crust rather thin.

Pizza cut into many small slices to accommodate the fast and furious eat-just-enough-to-be-able-to-go-back-and-play-thanks-mom-and-dad, if only they were cut all the way through to enable the fast delivery they designed for. Quality greatly diminished the colder the pizza became. Feel dirty inside after consuming.

Sam: Pretty sure this sauce is NOT organic. Might not even be tomato.

Rating

3/6 slices

Honestly the pizza was closer to a 2, but the built-in child care made it taste a whole notch better.

If we play our cards right, we won't have to return until we have grandkids.