Friday, December 5, 2014

Picky Pizza Posters - Subway

The ultimate quest for the worst pizza experience in Utah Valley

Subway has long been known as the sandwich shop that can be found almost everywhere in the world.  Subway is, in fact, the largest global single-brand restaurant chain, and for good reason - their mediocre-quality but ubiquitous cold cut, Italian, meatball, and chicken teriyaki sub sandwiches are sold in over 40,000 locations in 108 countries. We had Subway meatball subs in China - the Coke tasted different, but the sub tasted just as... um... good(?) as a Subway meatball sub in the U.S.

And, of course, when we were alerted to the newest addition to the Subway flavor arsenal, the Flatizza, we knew we just had to try it to inform and entertain you, the beloved readers of what may be the most popular bad pizza blog in Utah Valley.


Plenty of seating in wooden booths. Modern pop hits playing through clearly blown out boomy sounding speakers. Masking tape cleverly used to secure peeling wallpaper to baseboard. Tres classy faux-Mediterranean decor.

Price for a large cheese

2 Flatizzas for $6

And I kid you not, the rookie employee taking our order asked if we wanted a six inch or footlong pizza. Our awkward silence didn’t even clue him in that there was no such thing as a footlong pizza. Actually, we weren’t even sure that wasn’t the proper way to refer to this creation’s sizing.

Sam: Box says cheesy and delicious meets crispy and square. Yeah, we’ll just see about that.


Fountain drinks were, well, the same fountain drinks available everywhere. Subway does boast brewed sweet tea, however, which was quite tasty.

The girls were huge fans of the Subway "side dishes." Sasha was able to get a whole cup of pickles to compliment her Doritos. We do like to go classy when we go out for a meal. 

Pizza impressions

Square pizza, square slices. Sauce overpowering, clearly not meant to be pizza sauce, pretty sure it’s just the marinara they use for meatball subs. Cancel that, completely sure it's the marinara they use for meatball subs.

It vaguely resembles bagel pizza, but a bad one. Pre-made "flatbread" crust is doughy, soggy, chewy, and slightly crispy at edges. Might be real cheese, but not likely.

Admittedly, the Flatizza is great work from the Subway marketing department since this dish only qualifies as a distant, misspelled cousin of pizza.

Ben: I’m having bad Denny’s flash backs. (Cue dramatic flailing and moaning a la Vietnam flashback memory)

Sasha: I like how the pizza is square like St. Louis-style and the cheese is really cheesy. (Note - comparisons to St. Louis-style pizza, even by Sasha who meant it as a compliment, should indicate the base disgustingness of this dish)

Dad: Why did I even take a second bite? You think I’d have learned from the first one to stay away.

Sam: Does anyone want the last two slices of ours?
Mom and Dad (in unison): NO!

Really bad. Just awful. Don’t do it. Your life is much better having never tried a Flatizza. Take it from us, not worth it. Even with a two for one coupon. Or for free even. Avoid.


0/6 slices

As a reminder, 0 slices means "I would not eat this at any price." That's right, folks, we have awarded our first 0-slice rating. We may have found the worst-tasting pizza in Utah Valley!

Subway, just because your restaurant already has bread, sauce, and cheese on location does not mean you should make pizza a natural addition to your repertoire. It is a crime against good taste.

Mom: We all deserve dessert at Menchie's after this. (Menchie's is our favorite froyo joint)
Ben: Good, I need to get this taste out of my mouth.


Peter said...

I've never even considered eating pizza at Subway, but now my interest is piqued. The worst in Utah County? Zero stars? That sounds pretty special.

Dwain said...

Even the girl employee looks startled by Subway's latest marketing ploy.


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