Monday, May 10, 2010

Four Roses

This Sunday, four roses graced our table. One for each of the mothers in our lives - Marcia, Sharon, me, and Sasha's birth mother.

It's easy to feel grateful for our moms - Gramma and Grammy have done an amazing job over the decades raising children who love deeply and know that they are deeply loved. They pray for their kids and grandkids. They really try to point us all to Jesus. They love us each unconditionally. They are pictures of Godly womanhood. We are keenly aware of the blessing that our moms have been in our lives. And we are grateful.

Cultivating gratitude for Sasha's birthmother is an admittedly a little trickier. She made some choices that are hard for me to fathom... and it is easy to feel emotions like anger, indignation, and blame. But, you know what? She gave my little girl life. And I need to make room in my heart and life for forgiveness and gratitude and honor for the woman who gave birth to our amazing princess.

The loss and redemption that are a part of every adoption story are so complicated. They're complicated for us as adoptive parents, and I know that my daughter will have to work through even more complicated emotions as she comes to understand her own story.

I know that the journey will last a lifetime, but even now I rejoice in my own burgeoning gratitude. I rejoice in what God is doing in me in response to my daughter's story. And I rejoice in the four roses that grace our table - four women who were blessed to give birth, to nurture life, and whose stories are now bound together in a tangled, sometimes confusing, and wildly beautiful garden.


Anna said...

Feeling love and appreciation for birth mothers can be a little tricky - in our situation since we have known them for a while it is hard not to let the anger outweigh the forgiveness, love and appreciation. Time does help, along with prayer and remembering the teachings of Christ.

Anonymous said...

I think one of the best gifts you can give to Sasha is to continue to set aside your own personal feelings regarding her birthmother and simply celebrate the tremendous gift she has shared with your family. Including her in your Mother's Day tradition is a nice start.

Regardless of her( the birth mother) decisions, many of which might have been prompted due to little choice, no alternatives, lack of education, absense of priviledge and more, don't negate that she chose life for her precious daughter and will always guide and partially influence her life in ways that cannot yet be seen or imagined. You will both shape Sasha's life, one in absence, one with the joys and privilige of helping her thrive and discover her world daily.

I have walked this same path and initially it was difficult to set aside my own preconcieved notions, indignations, anger and hurt for my child ~ it was hard to celebrate someone I didn't truly know or understand.

But in time I grew to intuit that she is always with us, and without her ultimate sacrifice, courage and love, my world and those in our family who have been blessed by an incredible daughter, would be wildly different and far less joyful & charmed.

When our daughter asks about her BM, and they all do eventually, there isn't truly much I can factually share. But I can tell her that her birth mother courageously chose life first and a chance for her, second. ( in signing the paperwork that made an adoption feasible)

That primary loss for our children can be difficult to personally reconcile when we are truly the ones who had everything to gain and nothing to lose. Truly our children had no say in their early losses.

I have come to a place where I can openly honor this mother whose eyes first gazed in wonder at a beautiful daughter. Her daughter and yes, my daughter too. Both of us shaping the young woman she will become, but only of us with the power and opportunity to help her better understand and appreciate her origins and those individuals that shaped it long before we became a family.

I wish you nothing but peace & good fortune as you make this lifelong journey with your daughter.

Amy said...

I am so excited for your family. What a wonderful gift you will be giving another child. Congratulations.


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