Sunday, October 26, 2008

Scared to Believe

Warning - this is another meandering post about Jamie's feelings about adoption and what I'm working through right now. The faint of heart (especially men) may want to skip this post in the interests of their own sanity :)

New memory verse, Psalm 27:13-14:
I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
Be strong and take heart
And wait for the Lord
This is the perfect verse for me, right here and right now - isn't it amazing how God does that? It's just right because I've been having confidence issues lately, trouble being confident in God's ultimate best for me regardless of what's in front of me.

The weirdest part is that my real struggle is that I don't want to be duped into thinking that God's really going to work all things for the good of those who love him. I don't want to be duped into living by faith. I know, it sounds extraordinarily stupid, but then I think if we stepped back we'd realize that lots of us struggle to believe that God could really be that good, that purposeful.

There's some craziness going on with adoptions from Kazakhstan right now - longer wait times, some families not being able to complete the process - and it has turned me very analytical. I've been yearning for a schedule - dates and times and "sure things" even though there's a nagging voice in the back of my head that reminds me that there are no sure things in this life, period, and that is especially true for international adoption!

So last Sunday I took some extra time by myself to work through my feelings and fears. And I decided that I actually don't want a good plan, I want a good God. I don't want a schedule, I want a daughter. And I don't want an itinerary, I want an adventure in faith. And that means that once again, I give God my heart, my trust, my faith. I don't need a backup plan and I don't need to protect my heart from God (whatever that means). The Creator of the Universe can be trusted with my trust.

4 comments:

Karen said...

I'm glad you were able to work though your fears. (And that you took the time to do so. I don't understand what's going on in Kazakhstan either and even though we have our son, I still care deeply about all those who follow us. Trust in God, trust in yourself and trust in the process. (Not easy, especially with an international adoption.) But once you're in Kaz, things will fall into place. You'll meet your beloved daughter and all the pain and doubt will melt away.

Keep the faith,
Karen

Joby and Marla said...

I can relate to this post so much. I want to put my trust in God to do what is best for me but I don't want to be foolish at the same time. The great lesson that I have learned while processing our adoption is that letting God be in control over something you really can't do anything about is a lot easier. The more I let go the more God is able to be in Control. So I had better let him work out the problems with making 1 or 2 trips & just go with the plan!!!!

Butch and Tracy said...

That is awesome! Thank youfor the reminder that we have to let God be the leader of our path. I am proud of you for continuing to believe with all your heart.

You are a blessing to me and wonderful person to know.

Tracy

The Gobble's (Lanetta) said...

great post... I feel exactly the same way... .
hang in there....

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