Thursday, January 26, 2012

How are you doing?

In the truest sense, Christian pilgrims have the best of both worlds. We have joy whenever this world reminds us of the next, and we take solace whenever it does not.
C. S. Lewis
How are you doing?

Ah, the most dreaded of questions. How should, how can I answer? The truth is that my feelings and perceptions change moment by moment.

Sometimes I'm not sure my heart will keep on beating. My chest is tight. My hands shake. My stomach plummets.

Sometimes I am able to just enjoy the pleasure of the moment, the nearness of my kids, the accomplishment of work.

Sometimes I even feel normal.

Sometimes I have to trust blindly and despite what I'm feeling that another moment truly will follow this one. Sometimes I can expand that horizon to 20 minutes. And sometimes I can even live day by day.

Sometimes I can believe that God is sovereign and caring.  Sometimes I just have to content myself that I know these things are true even if nothing within me believes them.

I'm doing ok. The anxiety is slackening. The kids and I have found rhythm. God's love doesn't depend on my emotions. I get a good night's sleep most nights. I don't have suicidal thoughts or beat the dog. I do get snippy with the kids and they love me anyway and still want me to read to them before bed. I am relieved that for the first time in 2 weeks nobody in my home has a fever. I am feeling less exhausted - still worn down, but not as desperately as a week ago.

Now you know the real answer next time you ask how I'm doing.

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