Shoulding All Over Yourself

Here's your awareness challenge for the week: notice when you use "should," especially in relation to yourself (e.g., "I really should get up off of this couch.").

Why are therapists always ragging on "should"? Well, the definition of should, per the first Google result I saw, is: "used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone's actions". Should is always someone else's voice in your ear - maybe a parent or teacher, a spiritual authority, or even societal expectation. But should is never our own voice, and it doesn't represent our desire for ourselves. 

Here are two great questions to ask yourself whenever you catch yourself in a should:

1. Whose voice is that?
2. Do I want to want that "should"?

The path from externalization is should → want → am. So it looks like this:

"I should be healthier" (externalization)

"I want to be healthy" (desire)

"I am a healthy person" (identity)

Be choosy about the shoulds that you let in. When you notice a should, ask yourself those two essential questions. If you decide that you want to let the should in, then ask yourself what it would take to transform the should into the want. If you decide that you don't want to let the should in, ask yourself what's true and what it would take to defuse the should. 

Shoulds are shame magnets. Exchange them for wants or set them (and yourself) free!