Today was 2020 in Miniature

Oh, 2020, you are quite the adventure, you rascal.

I’ve been really (really, really) needing to create things to look forward to. The last few months have been tough (duh) and the monotony of these Groundhog Day weeks can easily get me down. It helps a lot if I have things to look forward to - a camping weekend, an evening plan, anything.

But, it’s also been really (really, really) hard to muster the hope and energy to schedule and plan for these things to look forward to.

Last week, Steve and I summoned up our planning skill and made plans and reservations for a few fun things over the next few weeks, which feels great. One of these things today’s float down the Provo River. Usually we float the Provo as a Qualtrics Engineering summer fun activity, but since that isn’t happening (sigh), I figured we could break up the week with a Wednesday float. I arranged to take the afternoon off, the boys had off work as well, we made our reservations, we were ready to go. 

And then last night I looked at the weather forecast. For 4-6 weeks, our highs have been in the 90s every day. Hot, sunny, dry. It’s summer in the desert; we’re used to it. But what was today’s weather? The one day we had planned to enjoy the heat? High 70s and rainy. 

I experienced a mix of emotions at seeing the forecast. From, “meh, it will probably be warmer than that, we’ll still go and it will be fine” to “seriously!?! WTF?” And then I felt the commingled frustration at my foiled plans and guilty shame because other people are dealing with way worse circumstances than this and what right do I have to feel angry about this small thing. I am such a mess.

But the weather wasn’t too bad at noon, so Ben and I decided to ride our respective unicycle and bike up to the starting point while the others met us there. And as we rode, the rain started, the wind whipped, and the temperatures dropped. 

By the time we arrived, Steve had texted to tell us that he and the other kids were having grave doubts about the wisdom of this plan and could I see if we could move the reservation?

Disappointed by my family wussing out (but also now reaching the conclusion that they were clearly right), I checked in and successfully moved our reservations to a (hopefully) warmer day. And Ben and I sat under a pavilion and watched the rain and ate our apples. And then Ben had the brilliant idea that we should grab lunch, so we rode down the canyon soaking wet and had a really fun lunch together (because lunches with a 17-year-old are few and far between!) and rode home in the still-increasing wetness. And I took a hot shower and enjoyed a little nap and it turns out that those are also pretty great activities to enjoy on an afternoon off. 

I feel like today has been exactly like 2020 in miniature:

1. Feel crappy
2. Summon your energy and make some plans that will feel good
3. Plans are foiled
4. Feel a bizarre and caustic mix of anger and disappointment and frustration and hopelessness
5. Feel guilty that you feel this way just because your little plans were ruined, when other people have it so much worse
6. Do an alternate thing
7. Find out that the alternate thing has its own sweetness. It wasn’t what you were looking for, wasn’t what you planned, but still provided its own redemption
8. Repeat

2020, I don’t love the lessons you’re teaching me. They are hard. Punishing. Exhausting. But I do love the sweet results of some of these lessons and the ways they’re shaping me. So, I’ll take that victory... because I really don’t have much of a choice anyway!