Lessons from The Refuge

This week, I completed my year of internship at The Refuge Utah. It was an amazing year spent holding space with survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault. In a year of transformation and growth, it's tough to identify the most meaningful lessons; here's my attempt:

1. Trauma: The effects of trauma on the brain are well understood and profoundly impactful, yet when people are in it, they feel like they're the only ones and are losing their minds. If you have experienced something traumatic and feel flighty, disconnected from reality, anxious, unable to concentrate, vigilant, exhausted, or simply not yourself, it's your brain's natural response to trauma. You're experiencing a very normal response to a very abnormal occurrence. 
2. Consent: So many people get wrapped up in "whether or not they really wanted to have sex" or whether they said no clearly enough. The ideal bar for consent is enthusiastic! If you want to have sex with someone, they need to give a clear, enthusiastic yes - every time - in order for sex to be consensual. Never have sex with someone who hasn't given their enthusiastic consent. This video is a fun and clear primer on consent: 
   
   
3. Leaving domestic violence: From the outside, it seems so clear that someone in a violent or coercive relationship "should" leave. But that's its own form of victim-blaming, and we have to understand that victims of intimate partner violence know that leaving their situations will often set off a new string of dominoes. Once people leave, things often get worse before they get better. Survivors need support (a LOT of support) before, during, and after leaving their situations.
4. Victim-blaming: We all think we don't victim-blame... and to some extent we all do it. I thought this video was an excellent demonstration of how easy (yet how preposterous) it is to blame someone for their assault.

There is always hope: You can get out. You can heal. You can thrive. If you're in Utah County and are in or have been the victim of domestic violence or sexual assault, reach out to The Refuge Utah. They care, and they have amazing services. They've been through this before and will walk with you every step of the way. If you're outside of Utah, the National Domestic Violence Hotline can put you in touch with local services. If someone had sex or sexual contact with you against your will, the National Sexual Assault Hotline can help you figure out the next steps. 

Hats off to those of you who have found hope and healing, who have made the journey from victim to survivor. Most people probably don't know what you've gone through. This year, I had the opportunity to walk with people like you, working to find a way through the horror, confusion, coercion, and control.  I see you, and I hold you in deep respect. Well done.