Lessons from The Refuge

This week, I completed my year of internship at The Refuge Utah. It was an amazing year spent holding space with survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault. In a year of transformation and growth, it's tough to identify the most meaningful lessons; here's my attempt:

1. Trauma: The effects of trauma on the brain are well understood and profoundly impactful, yet when people are in it, they feel like they're the only ones and are losing their minds. If you have experienced something traumatic and feel flighty, disconnected from reality, anxious, unable to concentrate, vigilant, exhausted, or simply not yourself, it's your brain's natural response to trauma. You're experiencing a very normal response to a very abnormal occurrence. 
2. Consent: So many people get wrapped up in "whether or not they really wanted to have sex" or whether they said no clearly enough. The ideal bar for consent is enthusiastic! If you want to have sex with someone, they need to give a clear, enthusiastic yes - every time - in order for sex to be consensual. Never have sex with someone who hasn't given their enthusiastic consent. This video is a fun and clear primer on consent: 
   
   
3. Leaving domestic violence: From the outside, it seems so clear that someone in a violent or coercive relationship "should" leave. But that's its own form of victim-blaming, and we have to understand that victims of intimate partner violence know that leaving their situations will often set off a new string of dominoes. Once people leave, things often get worse before they get better. Survivors need support (a LOT of support) before, during, and after leaving their situations.
4. Victim-blaming: We all think we don't victim-blame... and to some extent we all do it. I thought this video was an excellent demonstration of how easy (yet how preposterous) it is to blame someone for their assault.

There is always hope: You can get out. You can heal. You can thrive. If you're in Utah County and are in or have been the victim of domestic violence or sexual assault, reach out to The Refuge Utah. They care, and they have amazing services. They've been through this before and will walk with you every step of the way. If you're outside of Utah, the National Domestic Violence Hotline can put you in touch with local services. If someone had sex or sexual contact with you against your will, the National Sexual Assault Hotline can help you figure out the next steps. 

Hats off to those of you who have found hope and healing, who have made the journey from victim to survivor. Most people probably don't know what you've gone through. This year, I had the opportunity to walk with people like you, working to find a way through the horror, confusion, coercion, and control.  I see you, and I hold you in deep respect. Well done.

First Year of Medium Retirement

Anniversaries are perfect times for reflection, and I just hit my first year of self-designated medium retirement. After 24 years in the corporate world, it has been a delightful challenge to create my own rhythms and listen to my body and emotions to determine what would feel good. And it definitely took some time to decide on the schedule, priorities, and patterns I wanted for me. At first, it was all very uncomfortable - I felt rudderless in all the freedom. But I gave myself time to adjust and kept experimenting. Here's what I've found so far:

• It took time and persistence to find patterns that felt good to me. The first three months were very challenging, and it would have been easy (and would have felt better in the moment) to just fill the time with commitments. However, I was determined to enjoy the space I had worked so hard to create, so I resisted the urge to dive into a commitment and let the space be a little uncomfortable until I learned how to listen to myself. 
• I love my slow, quiet mornings. They feel decadent and lovely. 
• I feel better if I spend time outside in the morning. I'm finding it challenging now that mornings are cold, and I've experimented with moving outside time to the afternoon, but I've learned that I really enjoy starting my days by moving my body and being outside.
• I don't miss corporate life. I am grateful for the work I did, the people I was with, and the many ways I was rewarded for a job well done, but I don't want to go back.
• I enjoy having time for the slower rhythms I gave up as a working parent. I go grocery shopping now (sometimes), I cook 1-2 meals per week, I tend the gardens far more regularly, and I put away a lot more dishes than I ever did while working. I don't want my whole life to become these things, but I enjoy incorporating them into my rhythms.

And, because I might be out of the corporate world, but metrics are still fun, here's my first year of medium retirement by the numbers:

• 1,394 miles on my bike. Far from a personal best, but not bad.
• 64 strength-training sessions - this is new for me, I started this summer, and it's a lovely addition to my world. It's sooooo hard and an excellent challenge. If you're looking for somewhere to start, I really enjoy Nourish Move Love.
• At least 80 meals prepared. I didn't really track this number, but it's safe to say it's many, many times greater than any other year of my life.
• The final 18 credits of my master's program completed!
• Around 800 volunteer hours between my volunteer work in Belize and my year at The Refuge Utah (both of which were phenomenal experiences and excellent organizations)
• 37 scheduled breakfast or lunch meetings (with the word "breakfast" or "lunch" in the meeting name - there were probably more, but I don't care enough to be more precise). This is my ploy to get other people to feed me.
• 56 days on snow (alpine, telemark, or nordic) (definitely a personal best and a stat I'm thrilled with).

It's been a year of growth. I've had to work hard to befriend myself in a new way, listen to the patterns that would feel good to my mind and body, and leave lots of space to experiment and iterate. I love this more gentle pace, and I love that I get to come alongside others and help them learn more about themselves.

Focusing on Solutions

I spent last week in Belize doing crisis counseling with high school students. I spent 2.5 days in the classroom teaching about strengths and healthy relationships, and the remainder of the week was spent in individual counseling with students. I was privileged to walk with these teens through some very challenging situations and deep hurts. 

We focused our counseling efforts on Solution-Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT). This is a culturally humble approach that honors that each person has resources within themselves to help improve their situation or live healthier lives. The counselor's job is to create a space where the client can identify and focus on their strengths. And it's an effective and liberating approach, especially when we only got to see each teen once. 

There are elements of SFBT that you can apply to your daily life! Here are a few questions you can ask yourself:

• Are there times when the problem is less of a problem? What is different about those times?
• When do things feel just a little bit better or a little less bad? What are you doing that helps things feel better?
• How have you managed to cope with your daily life despite your problem? What is it about you that let you get this far?

SFBT isn't about minimizing the difficulties of your problems, and it's not about sugarcoating the hard realities you're struggling with. It's about honoring the deep resourcefulness within yourself. Because your problems are big, and so are your strengths.