What I'm Learning from Coronavirus

Oh, 2020. I know everybody is saying this, but I just have to throw in my opinion that you are one crazy-ass year. I'm learning a lot, but, boy oh boy, it is not cheap or easy learning.

To be sure, nothing worth learning comes cheap or easy. I know this... I just don't like it.

Also, I'm learning a toooooooon right now about being an ally to African Americans and fighting for justice, but those learnings are all super raw and need a little more time to settle before I write about them. More hard, expensive learning. More essential learning.

So, with that meandering preamble, here's what I'm learning through the dismantling of normalcy through coronavirus disruptions, in no particular order.

Lesson A: There's simultaneous freedom and claustrophobia about the shrinking of my world

It's a very curious sensation having my practical, everyday world shrink down to the footprint of my house. I used to travel across the country every other week and internationally every 2-3 months. It's been a part of my normal schedule for years. And now, although I may be on Zoom calls with Seattle and Krakow regularly, it's also just two people talking from their home offices - we could be down the street from each other.

Overall, I'm surprised how much I like it. I like not being jetlagged. I don't mind not flying (although I miss the snobbery of my business travel). I like knowing I'll be home every day and not having to remember which time zone I'll be in on a given day. There's a simple contentedness in this constriction of my practical world.

I also miss feeling like a global citizen. I worry a little that in not being in the various corners of the world, my heart for the whole world will likewise constrict. I worry that somehow I'll start to only care for the people within the footprint of my home.

I am glad that this is only a season. I can't wait to get out into the big, wide world again. But for now, I'm also glad to be content in this small corner of it.

Lesson 1: I've found (some) peace in not excelling right now

From a professional perspective, I don't feel like I'm doing the best work of my life. I'm doing good work. In some ways, I love it, because I'm doing different work and that feels good. But I don't feel like I'm doing brilliant work right now.

And I'm mostly ok with it.

I'm pretty sure you didn't know this, but I kind of embrace "high achiever" as an essential defining characteristic. There's some good stuff about this, and there's some gross accomplishment-based striving that comes with it as well.

Thanks to the bizarrity of coronavirus reality, I've reached a new level of okayness with not excelling. There are so many contributing factors to this - the weight and distraction of national and international news, the extra burden of keeping 4 kids reasonably busy and productive and happy and harmonious and learning and not exclusively subsisting on Cheetos and Animal Crossing, the heavy weight of feeding myself (boy oh boy I can't wait to go back to the office and eat from a buffet line daily again. I really miss corporate lunches). It's a hard time, and I've found a new level of acceptance of not being ok. I've cultivated a new level of self-compassion for my own needs and wants and hurts. These are good lessons.

Lesson I: There's contentment in being a bigger part of our home rhythms

I do love being more involved in the goings on of our home. To be clear, I also miss the peace of compartmentalization that comes with being able to leave the largest part of my home worries at home when I go to work - and I really, really look forward to getting that healthy compartmentalization back. But until then, I do like being a bigger part of my kids during-the-day lives. I like us all being home more together and playing games and working our way through Clone Wars. I like cooking together. I like being on-hand to help my girls bake.

There are some really hard parts about us all being home together all. the. time. But there is also real sweetness in doing life intertwined in a way we haven't experienced since the kids were itty bitties. I don't want to lose this deeper connection with my family that we've developed over the past few months.

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Overall, I am really, really looking forward to going back to the office, having the kids go to school and youth group, and returning to lives that include a little more independent time.

But that time isn't now. It isn't safe or possible for us to go back to schools, offices, travel. So for now I'm doing my best to embrace the unique blessings and lessons of this time. They are good and sweet and hard and life-altering lessons. And I am grateful for them.