Losing my Zombie Eyes. Or, Getting Work Done.

I'm not a deeply vain person.

You know this is going to be a good post with a solid self-justifying start like that!

I’m not a deeply vain person. I don't blow dry my hair or wear makeup. I've never dyed my hair. I mostly accept my crows-feet and gray hairs as hard-earned through a pretty well-lived first half of my life. I like nice clothes, but I'm not obsessed about what's in style. I subscribe to zero beauty or lifestyle magazines.

None of these things are inherently wrong, and Lord knows I have plenty of pride issues. But, I just don't tend to fall into the beauty trap too hard. I think of myself as pretty well-balanced in that department. I definitely never saw myself as a “cosmetic surgery” kind of person (whatever that implied in my imagination). 

But, like most people (most women?) I have that "just one thing" that drives me batty - the bags under my eyes.

I know, you're saying, "Jamie, I have literally never noticed this thing about you ever."

I get it.

This really wasn't about you or anybody else - it was about me. I felt like, no matter what I did, I always looked tired.

So, I started investigating what was going on and found out that the poochy bags under one's eyes are actually fat deposits, and there's really nothing one can do about them - this isn't about creams or diet or exercise because it's all under the skin. It's mostly genetic, and some people just have more generous fat deposits under their eyes than others. I just happen to have prodigious under-eye fat.

About a year ago I started to investigate what could be done about this. I had several requirements (not saying these are everybody's requirements, but they're mine):

• No fillers or weird injections
• It had to be something I couldn't correct with diet, exercise, or a healthier lifestyle
• It had to look natural
• Whatever I did, it had to age gracefully and require no upkeep/maintenance/touchups. I was not about to sign up for a lifetime of regular surgeries or injections or whatever to keep things looking right

And after a ton of thought and many discussions, I decided to go for it! And because I know you're wondering, Steve was against the whole thing (mildly, not passionately opposed) and willing to support whatever decision I made. He's a good man.

My surgery was originally scheduled for Thanksgiving and then that didn't work out for our family's schedule so it got pushed to April which, of course, didn't happen for many weeks because of Coronavirus. But, eventually, schedules aligned and surgery centers opened and it was time!

The surgery itself was pretty fast and for sure the worst part of those first day was recovering from anesthesia. Steve lovingly prepared many icepacks for my swollen face. I went back to work (from home, of course) after 5 days. Most of the swelling was gone after a few weeks, and the bruises are still there (faintly) 7 weeks post-surgery.

Here are a few choice shots:

Day 2

Day 11

Day 25

Day 37

And here's a pic from today:

I'm super happy with the results - the bruises are almost gone and I think the overall effect is my normal face, just without the big bags under my eyes (which is what I was hoping for).

I think that getting cosmetic surgery or any permanent/long-term cosmetic intervention is an intensely personal decision with lots of pros and cons.

Am I glad I did it? Yes.

Would I do it again? Yes, having been through it, I would go back and do the same thing agin.

Would I do other surgeries? I don't think so - I stand by my original rationale for which surgeries were ok for me to consider and there aren't many that fall into that same category. Plus, there are risks with any surgery and the recovery, as easy as it was, was still no joke.

So, there you go - the story of my first surgery (unless you count getting my wisdom teeth out)! One surgery every 40 years seems like a decent pattern to perpetuate.

What I'm Learning from Coronavirus

Oh, 2020. I know everybody is saying this, but I just have to throw in my opinion that you are one crazy-ass year. I'm learning a lot, but, boy oh boy, it is not cheap or easy learning.

To be sure, nothing worth learning comes cheap or easy. I know this... I just don't like it.

Also, I'm learning a toooooooon right now about being an ally to African Americans and fighting for justice, but those learnings are all super raw and need a little more time to settle before I write about them. More hard, expensive learning. More essential learning.

So, with that meandering preamble, here's what I'm learning through the dismantling of normalcy through coronavirus disruptions, in no particular order.

Lesson A: There's simultaneous freedom and claustrophobia about the shrinking of my world

It's a very curious sensation having my practical, everyday world shrink down to the footprint of my house. I used to travel across the country every other week and internationally every 2-3 months. It's been a part of my normal schedule for years. And now, although I may be on Zoom calls with Seattle and Krakow regularly, it's also just two people talking from their home offices - we could be down the street from each other.

Overall, I'm surprised how much I like it. I like not being jetlagged. I don't mind not flying (although I miss the snobbery of my business travel). I like knowing I'll be home every day and not having to remember which time zone I'll be in on a given day. There's a simple contentedness in this constriction of my practical world.

I also miss feeling like a global citizen. I worry a little that in not being in the various corners of the world, my heart for the whole world will likewise constrict. I worry that somehow I'll start to only care for the people within the footprint of my home.

I am glad that this is only a season. I can't wait to get out into the big, wide world again. But for now, I'm also glad to be content in this small corner of it.

Lesson 1: I've found (some) peace in not excelling right now

From a professional perspective, I don't feel like I'm doing the best work of my life. I'm doing good work. In some ways, I love it, because I'm doing different work and that feels good. But I don't feel like I'm doing brilliant work right now.

And I'm mostly ok with it.

I'm pretty sure you didn't know this, but I kind of embrace "high achiever" as an essential defining characteristic. There's some good stuff about this, and there's some gross accomplishment-based striving that comes with it as well.

Thanks to the bizarrity of coronavirus reality, I've reached a new level of okayness with not excelling. There are so many contributing factors to this - the weight and distraction of national and international news, the extra burden of keeping 4 kids reasonably busy and productive and happy and harmonious and learning and not exclusively subsisting on Cheetos and Animal Crossing, the heavy weight of feeding myself (boy oh boy I can't wait to go back to the office and eat from a buffet line daily again. I really miss corporate lunches). It's a hard time, and I've found a new level of acceptance of not being ok. I've cultivated a new level of self-compassion for my own needs and wants and hurts. These are good lessons.

Lesson I: There's contentment in being a bigger part of our home rhythms

I do love being more involved in the goings on of our home. To be clear, I also miss the peace of compartmentalization that comes with being able to leave the largest part of my home worries at home when I go to work - and I really, really look forward to getting that healthy compartmentalization back. But until then, I do like being a bigger part of my kids during-the-day lives. I like us all being home more together and playing games and working our way through Clone Wars. I like cooking together. I like being on-hand to help my girls bake.

There are some really hard parts about us all being home together all. the. time. But there is also real sweetness in doing life intertwined in a way we haven't experienced since the kids were itty bitties. I don't want to lose this deeper connection with my family that we've developed over the past few months.

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Overall, I am really, really looking forward to going back to the office, having the kids go to school and youth group, and returning to lives that include a little more independent time.

But that time isn't now. It isn't safe or possible for us to go back to schools, offices, travel. So for now I'm doing my best to embrace the unique blessings and lessons of this time. They are good and sweet and hard and life-altering lessons. And I am grateful for them.