In Praise of Groups

There's something truly magical that happens in a group coaching or counseling session. In our individualistic society, we often assume the pinnacle of growth and healing happens in one-on-one sessions. I am a huge proponent (and purveyor!) of individual counseling and coaching. But I'll tell you what: individual sessions aren't the most powerful environment for growth; that prize goes to groups. 

The research shows that individual and group therapy generally have similar outcomes (both are effective). But groups bring a unique richness - solidarity, learning from others' experiences, community, a broad base of support and challenge. Groupwork is seen as second-best because the practitioner's attention isn't focused on one person for the whole session. Yet the reality is that learning from and with each other provides unique healing. Most of us experience our greatest hurts in relationships, and it is in relationships that we experience our greatest healing.

I've been part of a coaching group for the past 6 months, and it's been extraordinary. We collaborate to strategize and reach our goals. We push each other to take on bigger goals. We support and hold space for each other in the hard times. We are a part of each other's healing and success. Each woman in the group contributes in unique ways to my healing and growth.

Being a part of a tight-knit, dedicated group is a life-changing experience. I would never have thought that group coaching would become such a big part of my support system. 

My challenge to you is to give it a try. Find a coaching or counseling group and experience how much a dedicated, hardworking group of peers can add to your growth. 

And if you're looking for a group like this, I'm starting a co-ed one in August! Leave a comment for details. 

Source: https://www.apa.org/monitor/2023/03/continuing-education-group-therapy

The "But" Trap

In grammar land, we use "but" as a coordinating conjunction to connect contrasting ideas ("The movie was long but enjoyable"). It sounds so innocuous. BUT, functionally, "but" is a negator - it undoes everything that came before it. And emotionally, "but" pulls all of our focus to the second part of the sentence - that which became before the "but" doesn't matter; the emphasis is on everything after the "but."

• "She seems nice, but I can't really see it working out."
• "Good job on that presentation, but I wish you had pushed harder on point 2."
  
• "You did good work, but there's no money for bonuses."
• "I'm proud of getting the award, but it was really no big deal."

BUT is so insidiously powerful for such a small word! It automatically undoes all of the nice things that came before it. And that's a crime, because whatever came before the "but" was probably true, but once the "but" happens, it's stripped of any positive power.

Here's a challenge for you:

1. Notice your "buts." Pay special attention to the way everything after the "but" is radically diminished by everything that comes after.
2. Ask yourself - "Should that but have been an and?" If both parts of the sentence are true, then why negate the first part with a "but?"
3. If both parts of the sentence were true, then rephrase the sentence, right then and there, with an "and" instead of a "but". 

Check out the difference in emotional impact between: "Good job on that presentation, but I wish you had pushed harder on point 2" and "Good job on that presentation, and I wish you had pushed harder on point 2." In the first sentence, the "good job" is totally negated. In the second sentence, both parts are true - it's a compliment and a request. It's just swapping one three-letter conjunction with another, and it makes a world of difference in how the sentence is received.

What "buts" can you replace with "ands" today?

Shoulding All Over Yourself

Here's your awareness challenge for the week: notice when you use "should," especially in relation to yourself (e.g., "I really should get up off of this couch.").

Why are therapists always ragging on "should"? Well, the definition of should, per the first Google result I saw, is: "used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone's actions". Should is always someone else's voice in your ear - maybe a parent or teacher, a spiritual authority, or even societal expectation. But should is never our own voice, and it doesn't represent our desire for ourselves. 

Here are two great questions to ask yourself whenever you catch yourself in a should:

1. Whose voice is that?
2. Do I want to want that "should"?

The path from externalization is should → want → am. So it looks like this:

"I should be healthier" (externalization)

"I want to be healthy" (desire)

"I am a healthy person" (identity)

Be choosy about the shoulds that you let in. When you notice a should, ask yourself those two essential questions. If you decide that you want to let the should in, then ask yourself what it would take to transform the should into the want. If you decide that you don't want to let the should in, ask yourself what's true and what it would take to defuse the should. 

Shoulds are shame magnets. Exchange them for wants or set them (and yourself) free!