There is No One-Size-Fits-All

The other day, I was partaking of the collective wisdom of Instagram and came across the classic, "somewhere the narcissist in your life is reading an Instagram post that assures them that they are not the problem." So good. So true. Insta/LinkedIn/whatever are brimming with tips and suggestions, and we have to be wise consumers of that self-help content. 

Take my posts, for example. Of course, I try to share themes and ideas that will be generally helpful and avoid harm. But at the end of the day, I'm really just sharing what resonates with me and what I see working for my counseling and coaching clients. It's "generally applicable help."

But there's no one-size-fits-all for advice. And we all need to be careful consumers of the opinions we subscribe to. And we need to look inside to decide whether the advice we're hearing is helpful and appropriate for our unique selves in our unique situation. 

But what if we don't know whether the advice we're considering is a pearl of wisdom, pop-psych junk food, or simply doesn't apply to us and our needs? That's a great time to tap into your community. Ask a trusted friend or family member whether this advice seems helpful for you. Collect data from trusted sources and your internal compass, and make an informed choice based on the data at hand. But - here's the trick - treat the application of the advice as an experiment. Try it out and observe the results. Do you see positive or helpful results in you and around you? If so, maybe try it some more and collect more data. If not, then maybe it's not such an applicable idea for you right here and right now. 

All the advice we see and hear belongs in one of two camps:

1. It's generally appropriate advice that applies, more or less, to most people (but maybe not to unique you in your unique situation!)
2. It's specific advice for folks in a specific situation (which won't apply to you unless you're the target audience)

Be a smart consumer and run open-minded experiments; there is no such thing as a one-size-fits-all solution. 

Functional Anxiety

I've been noodling through the concept of "functional anxiety" lately. Basically, the idea is that stress isn't inherently a "problem." Stress is simply our bodies preparing us for something big. And anxiety likewise isn't a problem; anxiety is stress about the future. And both stress and anxiety can, if managed well, used well, and not overwhelming, be helpful focusers for our energy and preparation. Can it all go sideways and dominate our lives? Yes, yes it can. But both stress and anxiety can also help us notice and focus on big things ahead. 

I was thinking through "functional anxiety" in the context of my daughter. My daughter recently made the US Paraclimbing Team and competed in her first worlds event last month. On her first climb, the anxiety was not functional. She got jittery, started too fast, and ran out of steam too quickly. She recognized that she wasn't using her anxiety to her advantage; instead, it was taking over. On her second climb, she used her breathing exercises to slow herself down a little, and her performance really improved. 

It was astounding to see the performance difference between non-functional anxiety and functional anxiety. At first, the stress was running her. But she learned to use the stress rather than let it run the show. 

When functional, her anxiety helped her focus, feel the gravity of the moment, and prepare well. She had to find the balance between caring (wanting to improve, to do well, to learn) and caring too much (descending into harsh self-criticism or over-indexing on this one moment in this one competition). It's a fine line and a tricky one to find. But the stress and anxiety are going to be there either way, so we might as well learn to use them well for their intended purposes in our bodies!

By the way, if you want to watch my daughter's comp or learn more about her story, check out https://www.gofundme.com/f/paraclimbing-worlds-for-wanying - there's a cool video, and she also wrote a bit about her background and love for climbing.

In Praise of Groups

There's something truly magical that happens in a group coaching or counseling session. In our individualistic society, we often assume the pinnacle of growth and healing happens in one-on-one sessions. I am a huge proponent (and purveyor!) of individual counseling and coaching. But I'll tell you what: individual sessions aren't the most powerful environment for growth; that prize goes to groups. 

The research shows that individual and group therapy generally have similar outcomes (both are effective). But groups bring a unique richness - solidarity, learning from others' experiences, community, a broad base of support and challenge. Groupwork is seen as second-best because the practitioner's attention isn't focused on one person for the whole session. Yet the reality is that learning from and with each other provides unique healing. Most of us experience our greatest hurts in relationships, and it is in relationships that we experience our greatest healing.

I've been part of a coaching group for the past 6 months, and it's been extraordinary. We collaborate to strategize and reach our goals. We push each other to take on bigger goals. We support and hold space for each other in the hard times. We are a part of each other's healing and success. Each woman in the group contributes in unique ways to my healing and growth.

Being a part of a tight-knit, dedicated group is a life-changing experience. I would never have thought that group coaching would become such a big part of my support system. 

My challenge to you is to give it a try. Find a coaching or counseling group and experience how much a dedicated, hardworking group of peers can add to your growth. 

And if you're looking for a group like this, I'm starting a co-ed one in August! Leave a comment for details. 

Source: https://www.apa.org/monitor/2023/03/continuing-education-group-therapy