Functional Anxiety

I've been noodling through the concept of "functional anxiety" lately. Basically, the idea is that stress isn't inherently a "problem." Stress is simply our bodies preparing us for something big. And anxiety likewise isn't a problem; anxiety is stress about the future. And both stress and anxiety can, if managed well, used well, and not overwhelming, be helpful focusers for our energy and preparation. Can it all go sideways and dominate our lives? Yes, yes it can. But both stress and anxiety can also help us notice and focus on big things ahead. 

I was thinking through "functional anxiety" in the context of my daughter. My daughter recently made the US Paraclimbing Team and competed in her first worlds event last month. On her first climb, the anxiety was not functional. She got jittery, started too fast, and ran out of steam too quickly. She recognized that she wasn't using her anxiety to her advantage; instead, it was taking over. On her second climb, she used her breathing exercises to slow herself down a little, and her performance really improved. 

It was astounding to see the performance difference between non-functional anxiety and functional anxiety. At first, the stress was running her. But she learned to use the stress rather than let it run the show. 

When functional, her anxiety helped her focus, feel the gravity of the moment, and prepare well. She had to find the balance between caring (wanting to improve, to do well, to learn) and caring too much (descending into harsh self-criticism or over-indexing on this one moment in this one competition). It's a fine line and a tricky one to find. But the stress and anxiety are going to be there either way, so we might as well learn to use them well for their intended purposes in our bodies!

By the way, if you want to watch my daughter's comp or learn more about her story, check out https://www.gofundme.com/f/paraclimbing-worlds-for-wanying - there's a cool video, and she also wrote a bit about her background and love for climbing.

In Praise of Groups

There's something truly magical that happens in a group coaching or counseling session. In our individualistic society, we often assume the pinnacle of growth and healing happens in one-on-one sessions. I am a huge proponent (and purveyor!) of individual counseling and coaching. But I'll tell you what: individual sessions aren't the most powerful environment for growth; that prize goes to groups. 

The research shows that individual and group therapy generally have similar outcomes (both are effective). But groups bring a unique richness - solidarity, learning from others' experiences, community, a broad base of support and challenge. Groupwork is seen as second-best because the practitioner's attention isn't focused on one person for the whole session. Yet the reality is that learning from and with each other provides unique healing. Most of us experience our greatest hurts in relationships, and it is in relationships that we experience our greatest healing.

I've been part of a coaching group for the past 6 months, and it's been extraordinary. We collaborate to strategize and reach our goals. We push each other to take on bigger goals. We support and hold space for each other in the hard times. We are a part of each other's healing and success. Each woman in the group contributes in unique ways to my healing and growth.

Being a part of a tight-knit, dedicated group is a life-changing experience. I would never have thought that group coaching would become such a big part of my support system. 

My challenge to you is to give it a try. Find a coaching or counseling group and experience how much a dedicated, hardworking group of peers can add to your growth. 

And if you're looking for a group like this, I'm starting a co-ed one in August! Leave a comment for details. 

Source: https://www.apa.org/monitor/2023/03/continuing-education-group-therapy

The "But" Trap

In grammar land, we use "but" as a coordinating conjunction to connect contrasting ideas ("The movie was long but enjoyable"). It sounds so innocuous. BUT, functionally, "but" is a negator - it undoes everything that came before it. And emotionally, "but" pulls all of our focus to the second part of the sentence - that which became before the "but" doesn't matter; the emphasis is on everything after the "but."

• "She seems nice, but I can't really see it working out."
• "Good job on that presentation, but I wish you had pushed harder on point 2."
  
• "You did good work, but there's no money for bonuses."
• "I'm proud of getting the award, but it was really no big deal."

BUT is so insidiously powerful for such a small word! It automatically undoes all of the nice things that came before it. And that's a crime, because whatever came before the "but" was probably true, but once the "but" happens, it's stripped of any positive power.

Here's a challenge for you:

1. Notice your "buts." Pay special attention to the way everything after the "but" is radically diminished by everything that comes after.
2. Ask yourself - "Should that but have been an and?" If both parts of the sentence are true, then why negate the first part with a "but?"
3. If both parts of the sentence were true, then rephrase the sentence, right then and there, with an "and" instead of a "but". 

Check out the difference in emotional impact between: "Good job on that presentation, but I wish you had pushed harder on point 2" and "Good job on that presentation, and I wish you had pushed harder on point 2." In the first sentence, the "good job" is totally negated. In the second sentence, both parts are true - it's a compliment and a request. It's just swapping one three-letter conjunction with another, and it makes a world of difference in how the sentence is received.

What "buts" can you replace with "ands" today?